How I wish you
weren't asleep. I guess that even if you were awake I wouldn't be able to talk
since there's sleepy people all around me. I need you, my best friend, the only
one who always understands. I feel like I'm suffocating right now, like someone
laid a ton of bricks on my chest, like they let a pack of wolves roam free in
the emptiness of my stomach. I guess it all makes sense now since I do have a
weird sixth sense that kicks in now and then and had been thinking a lot about
my ex husband lately, to the point of loosing sleep and preoccupying you with
unsung tales of my past. Just found out he's remarried and a proud father. The
woman that stands by his side seems to do it with a delicacy I've never
possessed. Her pictures seem to speak of loyalty and silence, understanding and
devoted selflessness, they seem to shed light on the smile of a broken man
who's sins fueled his anger and who's pain rattled his fists. He looks happy,
fulfilled. She's what he needed. I was perhaps the carbon to his flame; her,
the sand for the fury of his waves to lay rest upon. Was I the crack? Did my
unstoppable wretched force destroy this love bound, immovable object?
Tonight we paid tribute to a group of men and their struggle
with loving me. A romance with me seems to bear a great resemblance to catching
a firefly. So exciting and dazzling at first, illuminating, provoking anxiety
to the point of wanting to hold this magic creature captive, only to wake up to
a darkened, stiff carcass with no more mystery to share. That's me, the girl
with the intoxicating smile that can make all your dreams come true...but can
she? Can I? I need you so bad right now, if only to hold me in your arms and
take me from myself. Instead, I will quietly shed my tears and make sure to lay
an extra coat of smile on my poisoned face come sunrise, so that I may be the
brightest firefly there is to see in hopes of finding a love within myself from
which to never break free.
